Rapport and Influence

knowing ways of building rapport are valuable to influence others

Developing rapport

Building rapport is a critical interpersonal skill in relationships of all kinds In particular in relationships where persuasion or influence is critical like in sales and in leadership. I’ve spent quite a bit of time studying rapport through the various trainings that I have completed, I have also looked back at the success that I had in sales and noticed how valuable it has been.

Since it’s something that’s not talked about often enough I’m doing a whole segment on it here.

Being in rapport with someone has a feeling of comfort for both parties and a feeling of being known and understood.

It’s often sad that people don’t want to hear advice if they don’t feel like they’ve been heard or understood, this is about rapport!

Active listening

Things like active listening can be a critical component to building good rapport.

Active listening often includes reading back some of the things you’ve heard to the person you were listening to. This is valuable so that the other person feels understood. Using some of the exact words even if they’re in different order can be more helpful than rephrasing things to suit your own meaning of the words. People often put different meanings to different words than you do. There are a number of words that can mean different things to different people and although you may be able to rephrase the language beware of amplifying problems of dismissing them but seek to have the person you are listening to, feel understood.

Enter the other person's model of the world

In the study of NLP (neuro linguistic programming), the idea of rapport is often talked about as critical to influence and framed as “entering the other person’s model of the world”.

When you seem to be like the other person, you’ll have rapport. People tend to like people who are like themselves. A simple method to build rapport is to mirror the other person’s body language. Mirror the way they are sitting or standing. Closely match the speed and tone of their speech without being obvious. Make similar gestures.

If this is done clumsily or in an awkward way it’s going to have the opposite effect. I’m not suggesting that you should copy everyone you see in order to connect with them well, but if you find there is someone you’re having difficulty connecting with you may notice their standing breathing and talking at different rates for different ways than you. By modelling some components of another person’s communication and body language it can be easier to build a relationship more quickly.

This is sometimes called matching and mirroring and can be studied at length and is utilized by many professional sales people and influencers. This is often also done unconsciously as we get to know people and begin to adopt aspects of their personalities.

Moving from pacing and leading

Another component of building rapport and moving into influence/leadership is the notion of pacing and leading.

You can think of pacing as building rapport.

Before you attempt to lead someone, pacing your behaviour along with theirs so that you develop some rapport is powerful.

If you are looking to influence somebody who is in a very different state of mind than you, it can be enormously valuable to meet them where they are at, develop rapport, and then look to lead them into a better state or wherever you need them to go.

If you find that you are unable to lead someone adequately it likely has to do with inadequate rapport, lack of clarity on expected outcomes or lack of buy-in from the one you intend to influence.

Cultivating someone else’s motivation

People do things for their own reasons, not yours.

It’s natural to imagine people are motivated by the same things we are, as we are familiar with our own views and motivations.

Tapping into somebody else’s reasons is much more powerful than any external reasons belonging to someone else.

While you may look to meet a goal based on earning more money or a sense of service, someone else may be motivated by a feeling of satisfaction in solving a problem or by the positive feedback they get.